So You’re About to Get Dumped

hello all,

In high school, my best friend and I had a phrase we used to describe any situation in which we were sure something terrible was going to happen. When failure, public humiliation, and the end of amicable relations with somebody were approaching, we would turn to each other and say, defeat in our hearts, that we had a case of “impending doom.”

Obviously we were very negative people, which brings me to our point:

You are pretty sure that your relationship is about to implode. Obviously, you can never be absolutely sure, and there’s no substitute for actually talking things through, but sometimes it’s just clear that it’s over. I’m not really a fan of the pre-emptive breakup, but avoiding that route can leave you waiting around for your soon-to-be ex to make up their mind, especially if you’re still holding out hope. Here are a couple of steps to take to minimize the damage:

breathe: STOP FREAKING OUT and breathe. Keep doing that. You’re on the right track.

call your friends: A lot of people drift away from their friends during a relationship, but after the relationship peters out, realize they’re left without their main emotional support. Give your people a call and let them know that they’re on your mind. You’re going to need them soon enough, and they’ll appreciate the heads-up.

remind yourself that you’re the bomb: You know all the worn-out “comforting” things people say during heartbreak? Start them early. There are other fish in the sea, you don’t need a partner to complete you, etc. You are smart/funny/beautiful/megafoxy/talented/loyal/caring (choose any/all that apply). Remind yourself constantly.

get your stuff back: You know what sucks? Having to talk to somebody you don’t want to see. Especially if it’s to argue over who owns the lava lamp. (I’m only judging you a little bit.) If there’s anything you really want to make sure you walk away with, try to get it back before it’s going to be super awkward.

get ahead in work/school: Honesty time: do you typically find it harder to complete crappy, boring tasks when you feel awful? Congratulations, you are human, you never have to answer another CAPTCHA again. Seriously, though, consider doing what you can to make the next few weeks easier on yourself. Printers are harder to wrestle when you’re drowning them with tears.

stock up for the apocalypse: Things you may need: tissues, horror movies, food, books, sex toys, journals, new headphones, a new I-am-so-sad-so-very-very-sad playlist. Things you don’t need: romantic comedies, memorabilia from your relationship, onions.

And the bright side of these doomsday preparations? If things do work out, you’re a more stable individual for taking the time to take care of yourself a little bit. Everybody loves a breathing, confident, prepared person, so calm down and breathe.